Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Taking Off Your Clothes

Preemptive Confession Time, I suppose. Thanks to Prisco’s review, I recently finished off Diablo Cody’s Candy Girl. For those of you not following the Cannonball Run, it’s basically a memoir of Cody’s years spent stripping. Not only is it hysterically funny, but it got me thinking. Considering that I’ve been working at my dead-end job to the tune of three years now, I’m starting to think that it may be time for a career.

If you asked me a few years ago if I would ever consider the whole stripping thing, I probably would have eye-balled you as if you were wearing a tinfoil hat. But now? Well...I’m a little more open to the idea. Considering all the well-adjusted sex-making people I’ve met this past year, I’m beginning to think that maybe it wouldn’t be the worst job in the world.

In order to better analyze the situation, I went through all the pros and cons that comes with stripping. Yes, I really am so over-analytical and neurotic that I will apply a scientific method to a possible career as a go-go boy. Shazbot.
Alright, on the Pro side of things, it would for shizz be a financial step up from my current paycheck, which couldn’t sink any lower if they handed me an IOU instead. Not to mention the fact that I’d be getting paid to take off my clothes, something I usually do for free. After all, why give away the milk for free when you can sell the cow? There’s also the matter of having co-workers that aren’t either old or brain dead, as well as the pretty bitchin’ benefit of possibly being able to drink on the job.

On the Con side, there’s the matter of hiding my new career from pretty much my entire family, which, I imagine, would probably be a bitch to pull off. It also doesn’t help that I’m not exactly sex on a bun. My Canadian-with-Irish-genes skin is so pale it borders on translucent, and I have all the grace, poise and rhythm of a shit-faced giraffe on stilts, so as you can imagine, I’m a pretty shit dancer. Plus, I’d probably have to do it to some bullshit house-electro-song-thing that sounds like a toaster having angry sex with a blender.

I’m not really sure whether the fact that I would be working alongside some pretty smoking guys counts as a pro or a con. I mean, on the pro side, there’s the fact that I get to work with eye candy, but on the con side, I disappear when I turn sideways, so putting me up next to them would be like putting a deli slice of roast beef up against a steak. So it’s a toss-up.

So the score so far:


• Mad bankage on my part
• A whole lotta fun
• I get paid to be naked
• I get to work with hot guys
• No crappy co-workers
• On the job boozin’! (Possibly)


• Explaining it to the family
• I’m pale and skinny; I am the anti-sexy
• I can’t dance either. Bummer.
• Toasters having sex with blenders

Next step I usually take is to try and figure out a way to remedy the cons. In this case:


• They’ll get over it
• That’s why Godtopus invented tanning salons and steroids
• Nope, I won’t ever be able to dance. But somehow, I doubt a bunch of horned up drunks will mind.
• If I go down on the DJ, I can probably convince him to play some Metric.

So then it’s more or less decided. I’ll give myself until March Break to bulk up and tan myself until I look like an overdone ham, the fuck outta me, really. I guess I can crash at my cousin’s place for a while whilst I figure out what sort of bullshit I can feed to my parents for now. Oh well, I missed out on my opportunity to be bad in high school. I have a lot of catching up to do. Although if anybody has some tips on how to not be a shitty dancer, that would be just fucking peachey.


Marra Alane said...

I think your assumption that by stripping you'll be working with people who aren't brain dead is a bit of a stretch. I've known some male strippers in my time, and they are R-E-T retarded.

Still, I'd recommend it. Even skinny pale strippers probably make more money than restaurant monkeys. Plus, you'll always have a good story to tell. Go for it!

Rusty said...

Hey, I'm pale and skinny and have managed to con multiple people into finding me sexy.

As far as the dancing goes, I'm pretty sure all you really have to do is be able to thrust in time with the music, and the godawful techno those clubs like to play tends to have a pretty obvious beat.

Oh, and I read a blog for a while written by a strip club waitress and she made good money and didn't even have to take her clothes off, she just had to work around people who were. Obviously, you make MORE if you take your clothes off, but it's like a nice little transition step if you could find it.

Trouble said...

The trick to dancing to strip club music is to move your hips. When all else fails that will save you.
Oh and if you're an especially bad dancer, don't go too crazy with the arm movements. That's what can sink you.
When in doubt, just strut to the time of the music a la Beyonce. Works every time.*

*Trouble does not know this from experience

Robert said...

Well let me think - yep, I've thought - go for it dude. I am sure the audience's eyes will be focussed on one thing and how white you are will be a non-issue!
Surely you can swing your thing in time to whatever music is playing and that will get their attention or poke their eyes out. lol!

Lord Thundercox said...

So, hello. I found your blog by randomly clicking on a comment left on another blog, and have since been returned to gank music from your playlist and, you know, read.

Last summer, my sister was considering leaving her job to go out to Vegas and become a dancer. I tossed her a lump of cash and told her to do whatever the Hell she wanted.

Don't worry about the reaction. Every now and then, family has to earn the term by acting like it. But also, if you can avoid giving up a source of income until you have your new intended source of income secured, I humbly recommend it.

Other than that, go for it.

dammitjanet said...

To quote the great "Risky Business," sometimes you just gotta say, WHAT THE FUCK? Go for it, make your move. You'd make a lot more dough, have some great stories for your own inevitable book/screenplay, maybe meet some super-hot guys, and, once you were making more than the rest of the family combined, what the hell are they gonna say? Go for it!!! (btw, I am SOOOO gonna introduce you to my daughter's totally hot best friend....I'll post his pic on my blog...he's a gymnast, cheerleader, and a great dancer, so maybe he could help you out!!!)

Jeremy Feist said...

Marra: I mean "Brain Dead" in a relative sense. If you saw my co-workers, you'd understand.

Rusty: I'm totally fine with taking off my clothes, it's more a matter that I have all the rhythm of Meg White. Also, I kinda suck at thrusting, which would explain why I don't top.

Trouble: Ha! I'll just take your word for it. I'll try to keep my twiggy little arms reigned in, then.

Robert: Excellent point. If I can keep their eyes focused on mini-me, I suppose they wouldn't mind parting with their cash. Although I would hardly call it "Eye Poking Worthy".

Thundercox: Well, I suppose they'll just have to get over it eventually. I think I'll keep my old job, only because it would be rather difficult to explain how I continue to make cash. Also, GREATEST. NAME. EVER.

dammitjanet: Well, I suppose having shitloads of money, as Liz Phair put it, might give me a valid argument over them. And hot you say? My curiosity has been peeked.

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