#1: Thou shalt not use the vehicle as a bathroom.
This one should really be a no-brainer, but apparently not. Have you ever seen someone pee on a bus? Pray you don’t. And I know there’s a logical reason why the metro today smelled like poop.
#2: Thou shalt not take five fucking minutes to perform buy a ticket
It’s $2.75 to ride, genius. It’s not like you’re writing a cal exam. These are calculations that the average twelve year old could pull off. There really is no excuse for this shit.
#3: Thou shalt not play your crappy music for everyone to hear
You’d think with the advent of the iPod, people would stop putting their lack of musical taste on display. Well fuck that, because that little prostitot in the back of the bus will be damned if you and everyone else on the bus isn’t being forcible ear-raped by Katy Perry.
#4: Thou shalt not talk on your cell like a phone-sex operator
I was once riding the bus home from school, and there was this guy sitting across from me telling his girlfriend to sniff her shoes and give him the dets. He then gave me the stink eye when I started giggling, like I had some nerve to laugh at him for foot fucking his girl over the phone.
#5: Thou shalt be careful with your bag
I’m not asking you to hold onto your bag for dear life, just stop whipping it around like a fucking mace. Unless you’re Buffy the fucking vampire slayer, keep that shit reigned in.
#6: Thou shalt not stand in front of the door
This one annoys me to no end. I’m trying to get off the bus here, and instead, I’m bowling over old ladies and bottle-blondes like I’m trying out for the NFL. Sit down already, bitch!
#7: Thou shalt use only one seat
There is no reason why you can’t fit your ass into one goddamn seat here. If you take a second seat, you are either (A) Morbidly obese, and there’s a good chance you might die soon, or (B) an asshole, and you SHOULD probably die soon.
#8: Thou shalt move to the back of the bus already
Seriously, there are like five million people trying to get on the bus. Move your ass to the back so that people can get in here without having to squeeze past you, ya miserable douchebiscuit.
#9: Thou shalt not carry around a fully inflated blow-up doll.
As random as this sounds, it really happened. Honestly, Pierre and Drake were riding the metro, and they saw this weird-ass motherfucker walking around with an inflate-a-date. Come on, people, it’s called your right hand. It’s a lot easier to carry around then a fuckable balloon.
#10: THOU SHALT NOT FUCK WITH ME, BITCH!
(P.S., hello to Melody, AVB and Alec!)