Monday, February 16, 2009

Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Ten Laws of Public Transportation

#1: Thou shalt not use the vehicle as a bathroom.

This one should really be a no-brainer, but apparently not. Have you ever seen someone pee on a bus? Pray you don’t. And I know there’s a logical reason why the metro today smelled like poop.

#2: Thou shalt not take five fucking minutes to perform buy a ticket

It’s $2.75 to ride, genius. It’s not like you’re writing a cal exam. These are calculations that the average twelve year old could pull off. There really is no excuse for this shit.

#3: Thou shalt not play your crappy music for everyone to hear

You’d think with the advent of the iPod, people would stop putting their lack of musical taste on display. Well fuck that, because that little prostitot in the back of the bus will be damned if you and everyone else on the bus isn’t being forcible ear-raped by Katy Perry.

#4: Thou shalt not talk on your cell like a phone-sex operator

I was once riding the bus home from school, and there was this guy sitting across from me telling his girlfriend to sniff her shoes and give him the dets. He then gave me the stink eye when I started giggling, like I had some nerve to laugh at him for foot fucking his girl over the phone.

#5: Thou shalt be careful with your bag

I’m not asking you to hold onto your bag for dear life, just stop whipping it around like a fucking mace. Unless you’re Buffy the fucking vampire slayer, keep that shit reigned in.

#6: Thou shalt not stand in front of the door

This one annoys me to no end. I’m trying to get off the bus here, and instead, I’m bowling over old ladies and bottle-blondes like I’m trying out for the NFL. Sit down already, bitch!

#7: Thou shalt use only one seat

There is no reason why you can’t fit your ass into one goddamn seat here. If you take a second seat, you are either (A) Morbidly obese, and there’s a good chance you might die soon, or (B) an asshole, and you SHOULD probably die soon.

#8: Thou shalt move to the back of the bus already

Seriously, there are like five million people trying to get on the bus. Move your ass to the back so that people can get in here without having to squeeze past you, ya miserable douchebiscuit.

#9: Thou shalt not carry around a fully inflated blow-up doll.

As random as this sounds, it really happened. Honestly, Pierre and Drake were riding the metro, and they saw this weird-ass motherfucker walking around with an inflate-a-date. Come on, people, it’s called your right hand. It’s a lot easier to carry around then a fuckable balloon.



‘Nuff said.

(P.S., hello to Melody, AVB and Alec!)


Anna von Beaverplatz said...

Oh, hello, Jeremy!

Um, first of all, hee! I love that guy. With the blowup doll. In stripey pajamas. On the subway. He *might* be my hero, a little bit.

Also, I LOVE it when people speak loudly and in public on their cell phones and then act like *I'm* the asshole when I start listening to their conversation. Which, naturally, only leads me to pay more attention... Oh, people are so, so very dumb.

Robert said...

Love the laws man!
My problem on Public Transport is the glowing neon sign on my forehead that flashes "If you are a loop, come and hassel me".
Weirdos will travel the length of a carriage to get to me - I promise!
I attract them everytime so I drive alot lol!
x Robert

Pants said...

You forgot "Thou shall keep thy stink to a bare minimum". That includes showering once a month, not breathing in my general direction, and eating your stinky fried roadkill somewhere else!

Trouble said...

Let us not forget the lost law:

Thou shalt keep your little rugrat window-lickers in check.

Seriously, the last thing I want to deal with is some obnoxious child putting their snotty little hands all over my things as they run up and down the aisle. Put that damn thing on a leash! (Although those leashes are pretty damn funny...)

meaux said...

Heehee! It's been a long time since I've used public transportation (living in the sticks these days), but like Robert, I always seemed to attract the chatty loony types. I think I look too approachable. Must work on that.

I'm trying to decide whether I'm more appalled by someone peeing on the bus, or talking audibly about foot-sniffing on the bus. Ewwwww....

Alec Sarkas said...

Hello Jeremy! I ride the buses here in Pittsburgh so what you are talking about is all too familiar with the exception (thankfully!) of a few things. A huge pet peeve of mine is people sitting aside from me not getting up to let me pass. All some do is sit and spin (hee) their legs over.The lethargy of some is so sad! I always get up fully to let someone through. I even smile and nod when they pass. But this peeve and your list is nothing compared to the nightmare bus rides I've taken in Greece. Intensify your list by at least ten times, take away everybody's deodorant (they wear none) and you'll have an idea what it's like. It's Hell on earth!

Lord Thundercox said...

Don't forget the lost commandment: laugh openly on tourists obviously unfamiliar with public transportation who, upon first attempt, forget that standing up with no support in a vehicle as it begins to move is a solid formula for falling down.

I have clicked "follow." I'm not sure if there's etiquette involved with doing that. But hey, "lead" away.

Jeremy Feist said...

AVB: Not sure what the deal is with the PJ's, but seriously; If you don't want people listening to your conversations, don't fucking shout them, bitch!

Robert: Have you ever considered reversing the polarity on your weirdo-magnet? That oughtta fix it right up!

Pants: Holy fuck, true story: yesterday, I got on the metro, and it literally smelled like someone took a steaming deuce in the damn thing. I actually held my breath the length of the ride just so I wouldn't have to smell it.

Trouble: Ugh. For the most part, I haven't had to deal with kids on PT. Although to be fair, I'm sure I'll soon run into a few Rosemary's Babies.

meaux: Once again, reverse the polarity. And if anything, I'd say the peeing on the bus was worse. Really, really not feeling the pee.

Alec: Sad thing is, I'm guilty of pulling that shit a few times. But to be fair, I usually get up. It's only when there's not enough room for me to really stand up. My bad!

Thundercox: Actually, I laugh at anyone, anywhere. Though dumbass tourists make me giggle to no end. Also, not really sure what the etiquette is. I'm following a shit load of blogs right now, so it's all good!

tania said...

So true!
I'd like to add one to your list, though:

11. Thou shalt keep thy fucking feet off the seats!

Drives me crazy, that one. Oh, and:

12: Thou shalt not eat stinky foods (and leave the wrappings lying around afterwards).

OK, one more:

13: If people are glaring at thee and mouthing sounds thou canst not hear, it probably meanest that thy fucking iPod is too loud! Get some proper earphones, douchenozzle, or feel the wrath of my wire-snipping scissors...

Yeah, I have a lot of anger in here... ;-) But if public transport has taught me one thing, it's that people are disgusting. And disgusting people make me want to do murder. Honestly, The things you see when you don't have a phaser set to 'kill' handy...


bastardface said...

Where is it $2.75? Is it $2.75 in EVERY city?