Monday, April 27, 2009

How To Be A Dick On The Internet In 8 Easy Steps!

Hey you! You seem like a well-adjusted human being. How would you like to act like a total fucking asshole on the internet thanks to the power of anonymity? Well now you can! Just follow this simple guide and pretty soon you'll be projecting your own insecurities on people you've never met before for your own enjoyment.

#1: Find Your Dumping Ground

Much like real estate or hiding the body of that hooker you killed, the three most important parts of inter-douching are location, location, location. While anywhere is generally fine when it comes to dickin' it up, it usually helps to find a place where the clientele will go from 0 to Moral Outrage at the drop of a hat.

#2: Find A Target And Attack For No Discernible Reason

A valid argument? Bitch please. You're act of needless asshole-ishness must be as unfounded as possible. Think of yourself as The Joker: You're an agent of chaos, minus the weird-ass mouth scars.

#3: Take Any Criticism As A Personal Attack

How dare someone else have an opposing viewpoint! They must think they're better than you or something. As such, your goal is to demolish this person. Completely blow their comment out of proportion, take various pieces of it out of context, and most importantly...

#4: Target Their Mother

The classic standby. When it comes to maternity figures, nothing is off limits. Feel free to call their mom fat, stupid, hairy, ugly, smelly, slutty, skinny and foul. If their mother died, all the better.

#5: Everybody Else Is GAAAAAAAAAAY

What better way to draw attention away from your own doubts as to your orientation than by calling someone else a cock-swallowing fagosexual. The men who disagree with you are all limp-wristed ninnies and all the women are flannel-clad bull dykes. Speaking of women...

#6: Women Are Not Human Beings; Just Sex-Bots

Don't worry about the opinions of anyone with more than one X-chromosome. They're only bashing you because they simply cannot get enough of your manliness. Everyone knows that woman are attracted to assholes. Even the most well-thought out and articulate of arguments can be undermined with a cry of "OMG A GRL LETS CYBER".

#7: Blame Others For The Flame War

Did your random act of unnecessary dickishness incite a flame war? Well don't be too hard on yourself, obviously it was someone else' fault. Personal accountability isn't a concept that should even so much as cross your mind.

#8: Use The Hitler Card

At some point, every argument on the internet will eventually come down to a Hitler comparison. Always. It doesn't matter what the issue at hand is. Did you find the new Tyler Perry movie boring? You're just like Hitler! You think Proposition 8 will one day be seen as a national embarrassment to the civil rights movement? Seig Heil, Hitler! Do you agree that the anonymity of the internet has given people a carte blanche to bring out the very worst aspects of themselves? You must be Hitler.

So just follow these simple steps, and pretty soon you too will be out and about, furthering the misconception that everyone who uses the internet is a maladjusted sociopath. Cheers!


Robert said...

Hi Jeremy,
I’m “a cock-swallowing fagosexual” as you put it. I am also a low-life liberal scum, fuckwit from hill-billy Australia at the arse end of the earth.
I am a pathetic, self-opinionated media douche bag who never lets the facts get in the way of a good story.
I majored at journalism school in gossip 1, 2 and fucking 3!
I am a slut whose loves gratuitous sex and am a pervert who pours over the net so I can drop my load at every chance.
I am a music fascist and also review movies where my view is the only one on the planet – alright!
I am going straight to hell ‘cause I fuck guys up the bum.
People should have absolutely nothing to do with me as I am lower than an amoeba and love being at the bottom of the food chain.
I hate myself more than anyone else ever could and I don’t care a shit what anyone else thinks.
So fuck off everyone and let me wallow in my own self pity.
Much love Robert lol!
There you go – is that being big enough of a dick on the net? ... there you go I hurt no-one except myself haha

Anonymous said...


Robert (see comment above) must be the "mess" in question.

I can only hazard to guess that not only did she completely loose her wig, somebody *looking at you* must have set it on fire! haha...

Jeremy, I trust you know that this woefully insecure bitch is so unambiguously dysfunctional that real discourse is a futile endeavor. Clearly, he cannot differentiate between rhetorical device and "argumentum ad hominem" fallacies.

"... low-life liberal scum, fuckwit ... slut ... music fascist ... lower than an amoeba ..."

Okay. This queen desperately needs to be awarded the "Gold" for melodrama, and then immediately hauled off for a decade-straight of intense psychotherapy. Fuck an A.

Rusty said...

The big fall back on #6 now isn't "Let's cyber" it's "Tits or GTFO" as in "show us your tits or get the fuck out". I wish I were kidding, I've even seen a tee shirt with that on it.

The Hitler thing is known as "Godwin's Law", and it goes onto state that whoever brings up Hitler or the Nazis automatically loses the argument.

Alec Sarkas said...

You are my American Idol and I don't care if you live in Canada!

Figgylicious said...

Ha! you are my hero. The wind beneath my wings, etc.

Best place to start up a completely stupid, meaningless fight?

Jezebel comments. Man those people are reactionary.

Pants said...

Random thought: How cool would it be to get into an internet fight with the real Hitler? He'd be all like; "Your reactionary visions on the equality of man will mean the end of the great white race", and I'd be all like; "Whatever dude, you're just upset because you suck at painting and got beat up by a girl. I'm going to go find me a nice hot black man to screw and make beautiful mocca coloured babies with. And then take them on vacations to Isreal. Ha!"