Monday, April 6, 2009

It's A Midlife Crisis, Charlie Brown!

Natalie Dee

Remember how I totally made fun of my mom for putting the final nail in her coffin of bring a super righteous bitch by making a facebook page for our dog? Well, my Dad managed to one up her in the "Oh sweet Jesus, please let me be adopted" department today: He tried adding me on facebook. From what I can tell, my Dad is going through a Midlife Crisis.


I wish I could say this has been the first time this has happened, but it isn't. To date, he's on his third midlife crisis so far. The first one occurred during the divorce, so basically, instead of getting a totally bitchin' sports car for me to joyride in, he got a divorce lawyer. And a supergay dragon tattoo. Apparently, he's devoid of the gene that lets him feel shame or embarrassment.

The second occurred last year, when Dad decided to pick up a pair of trophy girlfriends. At the same time. Super. And once again, NO SUPER BITCHIN' SPORTS CAR. Seriously, if you're going to inflict the psychological equivalent of waterboarding on your children, could you AT LEAST get something shiny, expensive and easily destructible?

And now, we've come to crisis #3. Not only has he joined Facebook, but he's also started tanning and whitening his teeth. I mean, yeah, I've started tanning to, but the difference is, I'm not old and decrepit.

On the plus side, when I finally end up going to see a shrink for the sheer amount of mental fuckery he's forced on me, at least I can stick him with the bill. Fucker owes me a solid.


Anna von Beaverplatz said...

Old and decrepit! I think, my dear JerBear, that your father is probably not much older than me...

My mom joined Facebook. She's 63. I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that she's joined, or that she hasn't added me....

Lainey said...

Jeremy Darling, how old is your father? Is he cute? Do you think he'd like to come to Ohio?

I'M KIDDING!! Well, not if he buys a bitchin' sports car...

Sarah said...

If Lainey ends up your stepmother, I might actually die from the sheer force of the glee which would erupt inside me.

Robert said...

Jeremy as "they" say: "Things could always be worse!"
Here's one from my warped mind: Your dad has his 5th mid-life crisis and discovers he’s bi – meets up with an ex of yours and ooh Yuk I can’t think past that and he’s not even my dad! But you are getting the gist eh?
X Robert
PS At least he’s not twittering and we all know that Facebook is now so yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like an opportunity to me, especially if he's got some of own peer group listed as friends. Not only can you share your "story of horror" with him and his friends, but you can critique it and make recommendations - a sort of study/how-to mid-life crisis guide - what he does well, what aspects need improvement... etc. Seems to me, if you do it well, he may seriously re-think that decision to add you to his Facebook page. Badda-bing badda-boom, problem solved.

Jeremy Feist said...

AVB: You aren't old and decrepit, because you totally have a killer rack.

Lainey: The fact that you're considering marrying my father scares me. Please don't!

Sarah: Yeah, but then that would mean that Lainey was boinking my father, and that would make me think of my Dad's sex life, and my head would explode.

Robert:...*Head Explodes* At least it's not that bad. And at least I have no exes to speak of.

Skekoa: Hmmmm...I suppose I could write a book on this shit, considering how many of these I've been through.