Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Today's Forecast: Cloudy With A Chance Of Gay

You know what I absolutely love the most about anti-gay groups like NOM? The idea that their lives are so absolutely meaningless that they think something like Gay Marriage will completely and totally wreck their shit. I'm sorry, but let's face it: If you legalize Gay Marriage, what the fuck's gonna happen? Not exactly a whole lot.

But fuck it, we tried telling them that before and it hasn't worked, so why not have a little fun with them. There is such a thing as The Velvet Mafia, and we are trying to make your children gay somehow and legalize public butt-fucking. In fact, here are the Top 10 Items on the Gay Agenda:

#10: Destroy the sanctity of two people who love each other entering a lifelong commitment by having two people who love each other entering a lifelong commitment.

#9: Infiltrate public schools and teach abstinence-only same-sex education (Because it's worked SO well with you guys).

#8: Get Thomas Beattie pregnant again so he can give birth to Octuplets.

: Finally get all those crappy Will & Grace reruns off the air. It's not so much offensive as it is just a terrible fucking show.

#6: Make August 17th National Matthew Rush day. No reason really. August is just kind of a boring month.

#5: Reanimate the corpse of Judy Garland.

#4: Kill the reanimated corpse of Judy Garland.

#3: Kill Paul Haggis, pry the Best Picture Oscar from his cold dead hands and give it to Brokeback Mountain. Seriously, how the fuck did Crash even win that one anyways?

#2: Get Wolf Hudson to LITERALLY teabag The White House.

#1: Legalize Gay Divorce.


Curtis Robert Tyree said...


Rusty said...

I'm surprised there's not a mimosa break on your agenda, but I guess y'all have to get down to business.

Gay marriage cannot possibly deteriorate the institution of marriage more than my maternal grandparents, who have 6 marriages between the two of them, already have. Plus, I'm sure that gays would throw the BEST weddings, I'm honestly excited just thinking about it.

Robert said...

Look Jeremy let's get very serious here - Hetrosexuality is vitally important.
We need hetro couples to make more gay people!
x Robert

meaux said...

Awesome list, Jeremy! #10 is so well said, while #2 is...a brilliantly disturbing mental image.

Robert, I believe modern science has rendered heterosexuality completely unnecessary. We can now make test tube gay people, my friend!

justin said...

i agree..
"but(t) fuck it"

Jeremy Feist said...

CRT: Amen again.

Rusty: I think there's one before we kill the zombie Garland. But seriously? 6 Weddings? Jeebus H.

Robert & Meaux: True, but now we can make little gay babies! Gaybies if you will. And Meaux, we're not quite sure how to do that. So far, it's gonna involve some sort of grow-ray.

justin: Indeed, butt fuck it all!