Mom...

Today was my Mom's birthday, and as much as we don't always see eye to eye, I really do love her and I think the world of her. So Happy Birthday Mom. I look forward to many more years of laughing, crying, arguing, drinking. And I'll be loving every minute of it.

Today's Post Is Brought To You By The Letter SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sweet holy fuck, how AWESOME is that video?

In other news, I finally managed to get my hands on the first season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on DVD. I've been watching it for six straight hours without stopping. I never actually saw it in its original run because I was way to young at the time, but this is pretty much my new favouritest show ever.

Also, since I don't have much to post about today, I figured I might as well include the newest meme I've been forced to do. You see the things I do for you, Jamie and Jay?

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band/artist: Metric

1.Are you male or female: Patriarch On A Vespa

2.Describe yourself: Combat Baby

3.How do some people feel about you: Succexy

4.How do you feel about yourself: Raw Sugar

5.Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Ending Start

6.Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Empty

7.Describe where you want to be: Love Is A Place

8.Describe what you want to be: Soft Rock Star

9.Describe how you live: Help I'm Alive

10.Describe how you love: Rock Me Now

11.Share a few words of wisdom: Grow Up And Blow Away

I actually liked how this one turned out, mostly because it was short and it was about music.

Oh, before I forget, I'd like to thank Matt and Sarah for providing helping out with my secretive secret that is secret...Secret. I owe you both a drink. Cheers!

Massive Amounts Of Monty Python, Because I Fucking Love You

...And also because it's late, and I'm working on something secret. If all goes well, I'll let you know what it is. But for now, enjoy classic british comedy while I do secret things.

Secret.

The 10 Biggest Video Game Asshole Villains

Gary - Pokemon

This one kinda holds a special place in my heart, because Pokemon was the first game I ever beat by myself (Yes, I totally spammed the rare candy glitch, but who didn’t?). It was also featured Gary, who my twelve-year old self would come to despise. He was an over-privileged asshole throughout the game, which made beating him in a G-Rated dog-fight all the more sweeter (Also, was I the only one who named my Gary “Shithead” at the beginning of the game?).

Sexy Nurses – Any Silent Hill that isn’t 2

At first, these girls weren’t really annoying. They were physical manifestations of Silent Hill 2’s James repressed libido due to his wife’s illness. When they started showing up in every Silent Hill game afterwards, their overall air of creepiness kinda fell to zero. Yeah, we get it, they have boobs. They’re also dead and trying to kill you. Bit of a boner-killer there.

Waluigi – The Mario Series

Meh, might as well say it: Waluigi is the fucking Scrappy Doo of video games. As if Wario wasn’t quite annoying enough, we get Waluigi, a stretched out, purple version of Luigi that looks like he should be tying a damsel to some train tracks. Well, that or handing out free candy to children in an unmarked white van. Either/or, really.

Demyx – Kingdom Hearts II

This doesn’t have much to do with Demyx as it does KHII’s obsession with ear-fucking me by repeating stupid phrases. Basically, long story short: Demyx is part of group of villains who have no hearts, he fights with a Sitar, and he has an annoying habit of shouting “DANCE! WATER DANCE!”. This probably would have been funny if he didn’t shout this ten times a minute while Donald blew his magic load five seconds in and Goofy threw potions every time I got a scratch.


Tonberry – Final Fantasy Series

Don’t let the adorable little thing fool you: He will shank you and you will die. Little fucker just randomly pops up all by himself. You can smack him around a bit while he shuffles about aimlessly, then BAM! He shivs you with a knife and suddenly you’re dead. Asshole.

Re-Dead – Legend of Zelda Series

This skinny piss-ant makes the list for two reasons: A) He’s a zombie, and B) He’s the only one on the list who dry-humps you to death.

Seriously. First, he will freeze you in place, then he’ll hobble over to you and proceed to fuck you to death. And he doesn’t even bother buying you a drink first...

Dr. Salvadore – Resident Evil 4

Tip: If you go to a medical school that advocates running around, beheading random people for no reason, you might want to consider a transfer. And for that matter, how the fuck did he get a chainsaw? Seriously, the villagers around him are dirt poor, carrying around scythes and torches, and this motherfucker has a chainsaw? Bullshit.

The Duck Hunt Dog

The very first video game character that taught us how to hate...Sigh. Good times. Some of you might say that he isn’t really a villain, but come on; this snide little bastard would jump out of the grass every time you failed to shoot one of those fucking duck, and his laugh would echo in your soul throughout the day. That’s pretty fucked up right there.

Psycho Mantis – Metal Gear Solid

While the rest of the entries here are general douchebags, this is the only one on the list who actually fucks around with you physically. He’ll go through your memory card, make your controller move, and even pretend to make your system shut off. He’s basically a douchebag on a very meta level.


Piranha Plant – The Mario Universe

I really do hate these things. Since I’m late and it’s lazy, here’s my mini rant on these assholes.

I fucking HATED those pirannah plants! You'd be standing on top of a warp pipe, trying to fit Mario's fat ass down and oh wouldn't you know it, a goddamn tomato with teeth pups up and all of a sudden Mario is falling off the stage. And even when you were out of harms way, they were shooting fucking FIRE BALLS at you. Out of there mouth.

Fucking salad wannabe.

'Splain, Please

Seriously: Would someone please explain to me how you fuck a pumpkin? I mean, if you're the top here, I can kinda understand the logistics here, but a woman (or a bottom)? Really? And don't give me that crap about how you can use the little stem. Consider my mind boggled.

Also, Sea Kittens? Really?

(P.S. hello to Dammitjanet and J9!)

Fuck Off. I Really Don't Care Right Now

Ever have a day where you just feel inordinately angry for now reason? Well I'm having one of those days. I have no idea why, but right now, I'm fairly pissed off for no discernible reason, and anyone who holds it against me will be curbed.

Normally, I don't complain about my life too much. I mean, yeah I take the piss out of it, if only because I get myself into such stupid shit, I'd have to laugh at it, or else cry hysterically. But right now, everything and everyone around me sucks pretty hard.

I guess this is kinda my way of expressing anger. I bottle it up, it festers a little, and I unleash it every couple of months or so. Probably not the healthiest thing to do, but whatever. It's how I cope. Deal.

But you know what? Maybe I deserve to be a little angry right now. I go to classes I hate, I've got a job with terrible hours and pay, and the people I generally spend my time with like to pretend I don't exist unless they need something. So you know what? Fuck my life, everyone can suck it right now.

Here's some angry music to play you out. Cheers.

Dying Is Fine: 10 Ironic Deaths

Attila The Hun

Who the Fuck Was He?
The crazy motherfucker who conquered everyone and their dog, then proceeded to reproduce like a room full of methed out Rabbits. He was basically a bit of a crazy motherfucker. That being said, he was a lot of fun at parties, assuming he didn't kill everyone and rape their corpses.

How'd He Die?
Nose Bleed. I'm serious, he died from something that could have been prevented with a humidifier. Apparently, on the night of his wedding, he partied a tad too hard, and ended up with a nose bleed. He then proceeded to choke on his own blood. Charming.


Jim Fixx

Who The Fuck Was He?
Jim was pretty much the guy who made jogging mainstream. You know those mallwalkers who shuffle by while you're waiting in line at the Cinnabon? You can thank Jim for them.

How'd He Die
Massive Heart Attack while jogging. Despite literally writing the book on running (called The Complete Book of Running), he also had a family history of poor health, as well as a bit of a past as a slob. Go fig.


Myra Davis

Who The Fuck Was She?
Remember the infamous shower scene from Psycho? Well, Myra was the body double for Janet Leigh.

How'd She Die?
Strangled to death. While this in itself doesn't exactly scream "IRONY MOST FOUL!", it helps to remember that the person she was strangled by was the caretaker/handyman of her house. Kinda like Norman Bates in Psycho. Oooooooo...


Johann Underwald

Who The Fuck Was He?
Johann was a brilliant mathematician. Not exactly and exciting job, but he was referred to as the next Einstein, so, you know, there was that.

How'd He Die?
Well, you might want to hold onto those Einstein comparisons. While I may be a total re-re at Calculus, even I know that you shouldn't try to pull off a 250' bungee jump with a 300' rope. Dumbass.


Jimi Hendrix

Who The Fuck Was He?
Oh come on, if you can't figure out who Hendrix is, you probably still haven't figured out how stupid that last death was. Fine, Jimi was pretty much the greatest fucking Guitar Player ever. Anyone care to disagree? I don't think so...

How'd He Die?
Chocked on his own vomit, but that's not where the irony kicks in. Jimi died in 1970, Five years after writing "The Ballad of Jimi", which included the line,
"Five years, this he said. He's not gone, he's just dead"
Creepy, ain't it?


Felix Powell

Who The Fuck Was He?
During World Was I, Felix was responsible for writing the sickeningly optimistic marching song "Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag And Smile, Smile, Smile". I just puked in my mouth a little bit.

How'd He Die?
Suicide. Yes, the man who wrote the most annoyingly happy song ever shot himself with his own rifle. Which really doesn't bode well for the rest of us, especially you, Alanis Morissette.


Hand Steininger

Who The Fuck Was He?
He was pretty much famous for having the world's longest beard. Seriously, the damn thing was 4'6. Don't worry, his comeuppance for his poor choice in facial accoutrement is coming shortly.

How'd He Die?
He tripped over his own goddamn beard and broke his neck. In perhaps the greatest fail ever, in his attempt to escape a fire, Hans accidently stepped on his own beard, tripping himself and breaking his neck. Worst. Moustache Ride. Ever.


Bobby Leach

Who The Fuck Was He?
Bobby Leach made his living by cock slapping Death in the face in front of an audience. A professional Daredevil, Bobby was the second man to go over Niagra Falls and live to tell the tale. As you might expect, Death decided to collect in the most embarrassing way possible.

How'd He Die?
He slipped on an orange peel. Well, technically speaking, the fall injured his leg, which led to gangrene, which led to amputation, which led to his death two months later, but I prefer to think he died when he slipped on an orange peel and pulled a Charlie Brown flight through the air.


Alben Barkley

Who The Fuck Was He?
Alben was the 35th Vice President of the United States, having run with Harry S. Truman. He was also that guy who would always say "How can it possibly get any worse?" which would cause it to rain.

How'd He Die?
Heart Attack. Once again, while this doesn't sound too ironic, it helps to put it in perspective, since he died right after stating, "I'm glad to sit on the back row, for I would rather be a servant in the House of the Lord than to sit in the seats of the mighty." Guess not. Either God has a pretty sharp sense of humour, or he was really pissed about Truman winning.


King Bela I of Hungary

Who The Fuck Was He?
The very brief King of Hungary. Bela ascended to the throne by overthrowing his brother, which not only earned him the title of king, but effectively stream lined his Christmas Card list for the rest of is very short life.

How'd He Die?
Well, that throne he worked so hard to get had a canopy. Normally, this would be only a trifling detail, at least until the canopy fell down and crushed him. Mmmmmm...Irony.

Monster Hospital

Predictability usually isn’t the first thing you look for in a movie, nor should it ever be. If I’m going to fork over $10 for a movie (Plus a little extra for my Reese’s Pieces, because those things are like sex candy), it’s because I want to be entertained. It’s not because I think I know the how it plays out and I’m just watching it to see if I’m right. That’s what Wikipedia is for.

Though there is one exception to this rule: Horror movies. Horror movies are fun because by the time the exposition gives way to the rising action, you’ve already pegged the cookie cutter characters (All-American whit guy, Virgin girl, Token black guy, Slut, Geek, Jock, etc.), and you’ve checked off which ones will die and in what order. In fact, if you spotted who will die first (the naked blond chick with the mysterious scars on her ta-tas) within the first five minutes, you probably damaged your frontal lobe.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself “Well, what are you getting at?” (oh, who am I kidding. Right now, you’re probably asking yourself why, instead of reading this, you haven’t clicked “Back” on your browser and gone somewhere that’s actually entertaining). Well, the point is, this is the reason why all horror movies made in the past 9 years have sucked. Hard.

All post-millennial horror movies can be split into two categories: Torture Porn and Japanese Remake. Both tried to mix horror with unpredictability, which is basically like mixing toilet paper and broken glass: It just doesn’t work, no matter how you look at it.

The reason why scary movies are supposed to be predictable is because it builds suspense. The whole point of a horror movie is to suspend disbelief. Sure, you know full well what’s in the basement, but when Skanky McSlutbag walks down the stairs, you can’t help but yell at the dumb bitch to turn around and get the flying fuck out of there.

This is why Torture Porn doesn’t work as a legitimate horror sub-genre: There is order to it. With real horror movies, you know who’s going to die, and you can pick up on the tell-tale signs of impending doom (i.e. drunkenness, wandering off alone, previously mentioned slutiness). With Torture Porn, there is no law, only chaos. You take a human, you dice them like you’re about to toss the most morbid salad known to man, and just so your audience can think it learned something, you slap a ham-fisted message on it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Were movies like Scream and Final Destination pinnacles of American film making? No. Were they beacons of acting talent? Nope. Were they benchmarks for insightful dialogue and character growth? Not a chance. But here’s the thing: A bad movie can easily be saved if you can draw the audience in, and make them believe that the impossible and the ri-goddamn-donkulous are believable. I’m sure Saw is fun, but once you come down to it, there’s no connection, which is why it’ll never be a good horror movie.

Oh, and one last reason why Saw sucks: MY VAGINA.

Jensalecki And A Cupcake Loving Dog

Okay, so first up in this mini-post of deliciousness, I saw My Bloody Valentine 3-D today, so I figured it was a good excuse to indulge my Jensalecki fetish (Suck it, Dustin!).


Now that that's out of the way, here's a clip from the soup about a dog that loves cupcakes.

Cheers!

I Remember Golden Days When All This Was A Mystery

For those of you who don't know, I went to one of those super uptight catholic private high schools, so granted, my opinion of organized religion (or at least the people who run them) is not exactly high. I mean yeah, I believe in God and the afterlife and all that, but if you expect me to believe that humanity got started by two fig-leaf-wearing people who just popped out of the ground one day, I invite you to run the 100 meter dash in a 50 meter room.

However, that being said, I bear a certain kind of respect to all basic religions, not so much for the specifics, but rather for the general lessons they teach. And for the most part, I'm not one of those people that looks down on religion. Except one, and that's the target of today's rant.

Scientology.

Before now, I've steered clear of Scientology, since I'm a rather small blog and I'd really rather not turn away any potential readers (seriously, let's get those numbers up), and also because I don't want to get sued. But now that I've gotten a pretty good fan base going (Hi jM!), I think I'm good.

I'm going to say this once and only once, so listen up: Scientology is not a real religion. And despite its name, it has absolutely jack shit to do with science. Stop trying to convince people that it is a legitimate belief system.

And please don't try that bullshit about how believing that aliens dropped bombs into a volcano out of airplanes is no different than believing that someone could die and rise again three days later, because believe me, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. While I don't believe or necessarily agree with everything in the bible, at least it wasn't written by some asshat who went on the record to say that you could get rich by making a religion, and that the only way to control people is to lie to them.

One of the reasons I avoided the topic of Scientology is the fact that people who criticize them in anyway tend to get harrassed, monitored, and so on until they recant. Which kinda strikes me as ass backwards. If you want people to take you seriously as a religion, I figured acting like a cult would probably be a step in the wrong direction. People disagree with religions all the time. It comes with the territory of trying to explain creation and the afterlife. If you can't handle people questioning your beliefs, don't believe in anything. But this is a matter of freedom of speech. You're basically threatening people into thinking the way you do. That's not religion, that's terrorism.

But all in all, the main reason that I can’t take Scientology seriously as a religion is that, well, it doesn’t actually teach you anything. The reason I can respect most major religions is that, even if some of the specifics tend to lean towards what-the-fuck-ery, at least the overall message is one of “Treat others the way you want to be treated”. With Scientology, the basic message is “If you throw enough money at a problem, it’ll magically go away!” If you don’t see anything wrong with that statement, please, do yourself and everyone around you a favour by diving head first off the tallest building within walking distance.

Where most religions (not to mention basic human decency) would dictate that you’re supposed to help those who are sick, Scientology says that people are sick because they deserve it. Sucks to be them. Where most religions say that you can move up through introspection and being a good person, Scientology says that you can move up by forking over a Scrooge MacDuck money bag. Fuck that shit.



But of course, this is probably gonna fall on deaf ears. The reason cults still exist is because people want them to. People join cults because they’re bored with their lives and they want simple answers to complex answers. That’s not how it works. But hey, if they’re dumb enough to believe that the answers to life come with a price tag, maybe we should let them believe it. Good luck with the return policy, re-res.

A Moment

Click Here. Leave a comment. Take a little time to appreciate the people in your life for who they are, rather than who you wish they could be.

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Soooo...how's this for bullshit? For Christmas, I asked my Dad for an iPhone, and pretty much nothing else. I make sure to tell him a month before the day so that if anything happens, he can tell me sooner rather than later. Well fuck that, he decides to tell me five days before Christmas that he can't get me one. Bummer, but whatever, I'll live.

Then today, I find out that he's getting one for my younger brother. No reason why. Just kinda up and decided that hey, he asked for an iPhone and by gum, he should have one! This is of course a week after he got a free iPod touch for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, and did I mention that instead of giving is week-old iPod to either the oldest or youngest brother, he's selling it. I know he's family, but this is the point where I start calling bullshit. Mind you, this is the same guy who moved me down into the basement because he wanted to turn my room into another bathroom. As in, he already had one, he just decided he needed a bigger one. Yeah, guess I'm not the favourite, am I?

Oh, and just to nail it home that my family has a collective IQ in the negatives, here's a brief conversation I had with Patrick (the youngest) as to the whereabouts of my laptop...

Me: Pat, did you and your friends go in my room while I was gone?

Pat: No no, we only went downstairs into Jon and Jeremy's room.

Me: I'm going to give you ten seconds to rethink that sentence.

(10 seconds pass. Nothing happens)

Me: THAT'S MY ROOM.

Patrick: Oh yeah. We put your computer in the corner

I feel like I should go around the house and pad all the sharp corners with bubble wrap so that they don't hurt themselves.

It's Time To Play The Music, It's Time To Light The Lights

Because I really need to update this thing in like 15 minutes, here's a gratuitous Muppet video dump. Because Muppets are awesome. Oh, and HotAndy, if you're reading this...IT'S ON, MUTHAFUCKAH. More on this later. For now, Muppets!

I'm Good, I'm Gone

Okay, so things started off kinda weird today. Since my first class today is actually online, I had to catch the bus for my *NEW* first class. Anyways, hopped on the bus, found myself a seat, and five seconds later, guess who's sitting in across from me?

Andrew. Yay?

It's never pleasant coming face to face with your past, and it's even less pleasant when you do it literally. Thankfully, I haven't shaved in a couple weeks, so he didn't really recognize me. Anyways, I had to options:

1) Say hi, make friendly small talk, move on with my life

2) Open up my copy of Fluke, hide behind it, pretend I didn't see him

You can pretty much guess which one I went with, huh? The weird thing is, once I got off the bus, I felt pretty good, like I was over all my stupidity. I felt pretty good about myself, really.

Then I tripped on the stairs and face planted.

If my clumsiness is any indication, I guess I'm still not quite over him. But, you know, I'm getting there. I think. I mean, as much as I hope I'll eventually look at him and wonder what I ever saw in him like Stacey said, I don't really want to. I'm not sure what I felt, but at least it was something, and it meant something. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this, who knows? I'll figure it out eventually.

But my clumsiness doesn't end there. About ten minutes later, I was picking up some coffee before class and walking out the front door of the shop when the door closed on one of my bag straps. I immediately snapped whiplashed backwards, smacked the back of my head against the door and managed to embarrass myself not only to those inside, but those outside too. Needless to say, I'm going to Second Cup from now on.

After my first class, I decided to swing by the Apple Store to pick up a new set of ear buds, since the left one decided to conk out on me. This is pretty much the first time I ever went here, so I didn't really know what I was in for. All I can say is, Apple Store employees are some of the most miserable fucking people EVER. At least, the fucker I got. Seriously, I was looking for the ear phones on the big ol' wall of accessories when this guy came over and asked me in the most exhaustive tone ever "Can I HELP you?"

So I just told him I was looking for the ear buds, and he made this big show of pointing them out, and then bringing them over to the register. You'd think with the sheer amount of ennui he put into it, I had just walked in and asked him to build me a custom Mac from scratch using paper clips and tape. Seriously, get over yourself. It's Apple for fuck's sake, let it go.

And just to cap off my day of fuckery most foul, on the way home from class, I got a call from Granny Chick. As the resident baker of the family, I'm the one she goes to when she needs cookies. Anyways, since there really isn't a good way to make this sound not completely crazy, here's the general conversation we had.

Me: Hello?

Granny Chick: Hello, Jeremy! How are you?

Me: Can't complain, you?

GC: Oh I'm fine, thank you. Now, I need you to do me a small favour.

Me: Oh, sure thing. What do ya need?

GC: Oh, you're a good lad, Jeremy. I was wondering if you could make some cookies for my hooker party.

Me: (Momentary pause to process what my 80-year old grandmother just said) I'm sorry, you're what?

GC: My hooker party. I'm having some friends over this weekend, and we're going to be hooking rugs.

Me: Oooooh. Yeah, you probably could have picked your words a little better there, Grandma.

Oh, how I love my 80-year old Hooker Grandma. Anyways, I'll play you out with this fucking awesome video for The New Pornographers' "Mutiny, I Promise You". Cheers!

Obamagasm!

Sometimes, things really are exactly what they look like.

Yeah, between this and the Penis Fish, there's been a pretty prominent increase in the amount of penis-shaped stuff, huh? In all seriousness, I'm really happy that Obama's our president. It's been a pretty historical day, hasn't it?

And He Goes To Med School

Okay, so today was the first day of my second semester at school. I have good news and bad news. Good news so far: One of my classes is online, so I never have to show up, and my English teacher is a firm believer in showing movies. Yay!

The bad news is that I have to take Calculus II, a mandatory course that I'm kinda hoping I don't fail. There's also the matter of my Western Civ course, which is where fun goes to die a slow and incredibly painful death. Thankfully, I had a desk in the back corner, so I just slept for about an hour. Suck on that, higher education!

Anyways, hopefully this semester I won't nearly fail every class I'm taking. All I have to do right now is maintain at least a 60 average until May 12th, and I'm good. Just one more year, just one more year...

Also, HotAndy, if you're reading this, you can suck it! Okay, for those who have no idea what I'm talking about here, HotAndy and I were having an email competition where we had to ask each other how the other was doing. And I almost won, but then he totally tricked me, and now I owe him a beej. Tricky jerkface...Oh well, I'm not exactly complaining here. In honour of him being a tricky, sexy beast, here's The Dresden Dolls with Mandy Goes To Med School.

And in really-super-fucking-cool news, Porn Team, the guys who distribute Pierre's DVDs, just announced their top selling movies, and Pierre's newest release was the highest seller. Apparently, it was the highest selling DVD they had in seven years, which is really cool. Feel free to post any and all words of congrats, praise, and anything that else that will swell his ego on his blog or in the comments below.

And finally, or no real reason at all...PENIS FISH!


Cheers!

Ten Best Movie Death Scenes

10. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Now, on the surface, The Nightmare Before Christmas is pretty harmless. Sure, there are a few spooky little guys running around, and Jack could probably stand to eat a sandwich, but it's still relatively harmless, right? Not so much. Beneath the weird, quirky and colourful veneer lies one of the most horrific deaths imaginable. And it's a Disney flick, no less.

Our first kill comes at the very end when Jac goes head to head with The Oogie Boogie Man. Sure, it seems charming enough, until you take a step back and realize that Jack just tore off Oogie's skin (kinda), and his insides are spilling out into lava and being trampled on by Santa. Although maybe I'm just reaching for material here. Honestly, I'll use any excuse to write about this movie. I love it so...


9. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

My God, for a musical, this movie sure had a shit ton of blood, didn’t it? Granted, Sweeney Todd’s appeal came from the fact that he couldn’t give someone a shave without turning the poor bastard’s neck into a Tarantino blood fountain, but the worst death of them all came at the end.

SPOILER

Sweeney Todd dances around with Mrs. Lovett, then launched the woman into an oven. The fact that Helena Bonham Carter (who plays the unwitting kindling) was pregnant at the time makes this even more disturbing.

(And on another note, did anybody else expect Johnny Depp to jump up at the end, look into the camera and shout “The Aristocrats!” or was that just me?)


8. Shaun of the Dead

Sadly, this is the only zombie-related death on the list. David is the resident asshole of the group who resents Shaun for dating the woman for whom he has an unrequited crush, and then tries to shoot his mother in the face when she turns into a zombie. So it’s borderline cathartic to watch the asshole be torn in to people bacon by a group of ravenous corpses.

They really do not sugar coat this one either. Limbs are torn off, various segments of the digestive tract are removed...It’s safe to say he didn’t live to see the next day. Nor do I think he would have wanted to, either.


7. Final Destination 3
Formulaic? Yes. But my God is it ever entertaining. I mean sure they’ve pretty much released the same movie three times, and pretty soon, they’ll release it a fourth time, but it’s entertaining as shit, ain’t it?

Anyways, story thus far: Teens (portrayed by actors in their late 20’s and early 30’s for some reason) escape hopelessly gory death due to a vision, then they are picked off one by one in a Rube Goldberg Machine of cartoony gore. The best comes from the token jock, who takes a pair of weights to the head. This shit is the reason why I don’t have a gym membership. Well, besides that fact that I’m poor as fuck. And lazy.


6. Scanners

The original headsplosion. Words don’t really do it justice, you have to see it for yourself, really. A lot of love went into turning this man’s head into an exploding Gallagher watermelon. It’s art.


5. House of Wax

This one makes the list for the same reason that anybody actually bothered buying a ticket to see this movie: You finally get to watch Paris Hilton, the physical manifestation of everything that is wrong with the world, bite it. Hard.

Although there’s way too much self-awareness to the situation. Not only is she in a bra and panties, but she dies by taking a shaft through the face while a grainy camera films it all. Yes, we get it, you made an incredibly boring sex tape and people cared about it for some reason. Shut your trap, ho.


4. Nightmare on Elm Street

Yup, that’s twice Johnney Depp has made the list. Fucker is the king of blood spurting gore, huh? The original nightmare is still the best (while the third is the most entertaining, and the second is without a doubt the gayest), and still holds the title of best kill.

While it does seem rather painful to be pulled through your mattress and be turned into a geyser of chunky, bloody bits, you have to admit, anybody dumb enough to fall asleep with a fucking TV on top of them kinda has it coming.


3. Deep Blue Sea

True story: I saw this movie when I was around, what ten years old? Who knows. Anyways, we were all huddled about five feet away from the TV, watching Samuel Motherfucking Jackson deliver one of those inspirational speeches, when suddenly a shark the size of a fucking bulldozer pops up, grabs him and drags him into the water. Since then, I haven’t been able to swim in a pool alone.


2. Jason X

Seeing as Jason had previously murdered teens at Camp Crystal Lake, then taking a short trip to Manhattan, Jason decided to take a trip into space where, for shits and giggles, he could be terrifying in zero gravity. While it had arguably the worst premise, it also had the best kill.

You have to wonder what the job description for this was. “Beautiful woman in her early 20’s needed for laboratory work. Must be comfortable wearing practically nothing while dissecting a cryogenically frozen monster that can awake at a moment’s notice. Also, you’ll be working next to an open vat of Liquid Nitrogen.” Nothing dangerous about that, huh?


1. The Cube

Kinda came out of left field, huh? Since all of eighteen people have actually seen this movie, I might as well sum it up for you: A group of strangers are trapped in a giant maze where each room contains a booby trap. There’s something about prime numbers and a guy with autism, but I wasn’t really listening because all I could think about was this guy being...Well, see for yourself.

I KNOW! What the fuck, that just came out of nowhere, didn’t it? Seriously, fucker just fell apart like he was made of lego. Jeebus.

I Am Become Death, The Destroyer Of Worlds

I have a theory about Youtube. I believe that Youtube was actually created as a blackhole to swallow all the stupidity in the world and keep it contained. Need proof? Think about all the people who have become famous through Youtube. Now think about Youtube commenters. See my point?

Well, as much as I despise Youtube, it has it's benefits. For example, free music videos and live performances. But in that stupid little live feed on the main page, there was this one video that kept popping up like an flaring case of the herp. It's called "Kiss Me Through The Phone" and it's by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. There is not one part of that sentence that doesn't make me hate everything and everyone. Especially kittens. This video makes me hate kittens. Fuck you Soulja Boy Tell 'Em.

Here's the real-time review. Don't say I didn't warn you.

0:07: Wow, this guy does not cut corners. In the first seven seconds, I’ve seen bling roughly the size of a hardcover book, the token video ho, and in case you forgot who would be assaulting your eardrums for the next three minutes, the obligatory mumbling of “Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em”. Fuck me with a chainsaw.

0:26: And here we see the gimmick of the video. Boy meets Girl. Boy falls in love with Girl. Boy is away, so he calls Girl. Girl is unable to tell difference between real life and the pixelated mess that is her cell phone screen. Girl kisses cell phone. I wonder if you can get herpes through a phone, and if you could die from said herpes.

0:33: Yeah, I'm not doing this sober. I'm breaking out my boyfriend.

0:40: Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (his actual fucking name) finally starts rapping. I suddenly remember how much I hate humanity in general. And cell phones. God do I hate cell phones.

1:00: Completely random shot of Soulja Boy Kill Him (not his actual fucking name, more of a suggestion) going through his walk-in closet over rhymes of “I miss ya, I miss ya, I really wanna kiss ya”. Apparently, this song was written by an eight year old. I wouldn’t be surprised if the original lyrics were written in crayon.

1:18: And once again, she has her mouth on her cell like somebody dipped the damn thing in cookie dough. Seriously, we get it; you miss your boyfriend. Do you really need to kiss your phone? This girl needs to invest in a Matthew Rush The Zombie Slaying Dildo.

1:33: And now we cut to the two of them in their parent’s mansions, having an incredibly one sided conversation. She seems to be smiling, despite the fact that she’s currently being phone-raped in the ear right now, which leads me to believe that she has the damn thing on mute. Yeah, even partially drunk this video still sucks unbelievable amounts of balls.

1:57: And just for shits and giggles, let’s throw her on a treadmill. True story: One of my teachers was running on a treadmill in the school’s gym, only to have a heart attack and die. And they kept the machine, because the principal was a fucking douche. So now maybe you guys can sympathize with me when I say that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if said douche became a permanent, pulpy fixture in the grill of my car.

2:31: The video has now moved into the disturbing realm of “Viagra commercial” territory. Because there’s nothing more appealing than the thought of your shrivelled old parents bumping uglies. Phone sex: It’s fun for the whole family!

2:45: Funny, I remember this bottle being much more full. Fuck.

3:00: We’re nearing the end of the video right now, which means they’ve officially run out of material. Cue the shitty b-roll footage of groupies chewing on phones with the occasional shot of Soulja Boy Stab Him. For the record, I’m currently crying tears of acid à la Pandora after she opened the box of all evils.

3:15: The video fades to black while I cry out for God to no response. Maybe he’s kissing someone through a phone or something, who knows. Point is, this video has convinced me that Soulja Boy Tell Me To Shut Up needs to have a few toes cut off.

Unfortunately, Universal Media is full of assholes, and they won't let me embed the video. Fuck you, Universal Media.

Actually, come to think of it, they are preventing me from posting a shitty fucking Soulja Boy Tell 'Em video. So maybe not fuck you. I dunno, my brain parts are a little bit fucked after getting skullfucked by whatever the fuck that steaming pile of shit was. This video makes me swear, too. Statler and Waldorf, what do you two think?



My sentiments exactly.

Soooo...Would A Male Version Of Hooters Be Called Moose Knuckles?

Hello to the handful of people who read this pile o' crap. My apologies for the lack of an update yesterday. I've been trying to do at least one update a day, but I decided yesterday to write for Zombie Forecast, the other blog I do that I never bother paying any attention to because I am a lazy motherfucker. It's pretty much the Jan Brady of my blogging. You can find the new article here, if you have any interest at all in the undead (which, if you don't, shame).

Anyways, for those wondering what in the fuck the headline is about, well, the whole thing started a couple days ago when the good folks at Quizlaw posted an article about how Hooters was being sued by a bunch of guys for discrimination. Apparently, Hooters only hires girls with giganto titties. Who knew?

The following day, My Salty Lovemaster (no, not that one, the other one) posted a link to something called the Ballbra (seen below), which is like underwear for men who are so fucking stupid, they are in-fucking-capable of whiping it out like a normal person.

Yes, that is a serious product. Honestly, that shit ranks right up there with Snuggies and Chia Pets on the long list of "Shit That If You Buy I Will Try To Hate You To Death". Seriously, just buy regular people undies. Or just don't wear anything underneath there. That's also a pretty fucking good option.

Anyways, point is The Hooters Law Suit plus The Ballbra allowed Courtney to throw down the glove, asking for a male-version of Hooters. And since I can't resist a challenge, or an excuse to get massively drunk and take off all my clothes, I met her challenge.

Soooooo...Anybody got any ideas? 'Cause I got nothing.

Yeah, I probably should have thought that through before opening my trap. The only business experience I have to my name is pretty much a semester of Commerce (only three more to go. Weeeeeeeeee). So, yeah. If y'all have like any ideas, please say something, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

Although that's how it is for most cases, so why should this be any different?

And don't think I've forgotten the Pajibette calendar. Seriously, I'm still racking my tiny little brain trying to figure out how something like this would work. Once again, one semester Commerce, no idea what the fuck I'm doing, Yappidy-yappidy-yappidy-blah-blah-blah.

Also, a quick aside here, but I'm gonna be retooling the blog layout and colour scheme soon(ish). You know, maybe move the sidebar around, find a better place for the jukebox, and I definitely need to work on the colour scheme, since I realised a month ago (about a week after I changed the colours I think) that it was pretty much the same one that TK has. So I need to work on that. No earth tones though. I fucking DESPISE the shit out of earth tones. And I might change the banner pic to something more suitable. Kahlua's gonna be a year old on Valentine's Day, so I figure I might need to update that one soon. Either a new picture of her, or maybe on of Snowball.

Yes, Kahlua was born on Valentine's Day. Which gives me something to do on V-Day besides eat pity chocolate and secretly wish all the couples around me would drop dead of the herp. Fuck off, I'm bitter.

All Bow Before The Smiley Spider

Okay, so anyone who knows me knows that spiders tend to turn me into a screaming, hytserical mess of a human being. Especially the big, nasty, hairy ones. Did you know that spiders actually had mouths? And that they're terrifying? I learned this last week. That being said, look at that adorable little guy up there. Awwwwwwww, it's so cute! Sure, spiders make me go all scared and screamy, but look at him, he's smiling! And those cute little green eyes...

I want one. I want one of these as a pet.

I'll name him Snowball, and I'll feed him whatever the fuck those little guys eat, and at Christmas I'll take a picture of him wearing a little Santa hat and put it on my Christmas Card and send it to everyone I know. I mean, yeah, he'll probably end up escaping from his cage one night while I'm asleep and eating my brain, but it's a small price to pay for being able to take Snowball out on a little spider-walk around the neighbourhood.

Also, I just found out today that when Jonathan stole my car the other day to go down to Burlington*, he was actually driving on a flat tire, which then became a completely-fucking-destroyed tire. Anyways, today Dad brought me the bill for the car that I NEVER FUCKING DRIVE and asked me, in utter sincerity, "So, who's paying for this?"

I thought he was joking me. I've honestly only ever driven the car a handful of times since I bought it last August, while Jonathan drives it everyday. I mean, I'm sure Jon will pay for it (actually, make that "He WILL pay for it, if he appreciates not having broken knee caps"), but seriously, what the fuck would have possibly given him the idea that I would pay for something he did? Fuck that shit. Jonathan knew about the tire, he was asked to bring it in for a change, and instead he drove it five hours to and from the States. Fuck him in the ear. I'm not paying $300.

*The best part about all this? He went so he could buy clothes from Hollister and American Eagle. All my brothers wear v-neck shirts and faux-hawks, and blow-dry their hair. How the fuck did I turn out to be the homo in this equation?

UPDATE! Courtesy of Matt the Great!...Thank you so much for making my sad little dreams come true. Now with added monoclle goodness! I love you, Mattie!

It Takes My Breath Away...Well, It Would If I had Any.

Not much of a post today, because I am tired. And lazy. And stupid. Though none of those should come as a surprise to any of you. Oh well, here's a gartuitous video dump of sneak peeks for Coraline. Seriously, if somebody, ANYBODY, can get me tickets to the pemiere of this thing, I will be eternally grateful.

The 2008 Golden Ashtray Awards

Didn't do much today, since Jonathan stole my car and drove it down to fucking Burlington without telling me. In case you can't tell, I'm just a tiny bit pissed off right now. However, since the Golden Globes were last night and I didn't watch most of it because I was at work, I decided to make my own awards, The Notes On Bar Napkins Golden Ashtray Awards (or the Ashies for short). Yup, I'm milking the whole bar theme for all it's worth. Let's get started!

The Paul Haggis Award for Most Overrated Piece of Oscarbait
goes to...
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This one hurts me, mostly because it stars both Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchette (although then again, she's fucking EVERYWHERE, so chances are, she may inadvertently make the list a few more times. Sorry). But it had to be said, this movie is, on it's own, pretty good. However, when taking into consideration the release date, the source material, and the amount of a-list talent, you can't help but feel like this shouldn't have been better than it turned out to be.

The Tuchus Lingus Award for Most Obnoxious Pandering
goes to...
Sex and the City

To put it bluntly, 2008 had more ass kissing and shameless sucking then the collection of DVDs hidden in my sock drawer. Religulous, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, An American Carol, Another Gay Sequel, Meet The Browns...Every group had their own little flick that begged for their money yet assumed they were so stupid, they would fork it over because OMG THEY AGREE WITH ME!!! And while Twilight was DEFINITELY in the running, that wasn't so much pandering to a group of people so much as it was milking a fad dry (although that doesn't mean it won't get its due). Sex and the City won this award for combining both shameless brown nosing and sucking the final remnants of the Carrie Bradshaw craze.

The Mysterious Crotch Rash Award for Most Annoying Trend
goes to...
Twilight

Remember when vampires were actually cool? They sucked the blood out of negligee-clad women, ruled the night, and ate chocolatey cereal with marshmallow bits. Hell, Christopher Moore even wrote a couple books about them. Then Stephenie Meyer pulled down her pants, bent over and took a big, steaming shit on Dracula. Twilight is bad. The movie is bad. The book is bad. Any medium this series moves into will be inherently bad. Get over it. Although to be fair, I have massive respect for Robert Pattinson, who actually had the balls to bash the source material. Kudos.

The "Please God, No More" Award for Most Continuous Stream of Crap
goes to...
Movie Movies

It all started with Scary Movie, the spoof of horror flicks that, to my prepubescent mind, was hysterically funny. But then they got tired of crapping those ones out, so the moved on to the incredibly unfunny Date Movie, then Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Superhero Movie and finally, la piece de resistance, Disaster Movie. All I can say is, please stop it. But I know my words fall on deaf ears, as this year we can expect Dance Flick as well as the soon coming Not Another Not Another Movie. Because fuck you, that's why.

The Drunk Uncle Award for Worst Holiday Movie
goes to...
Four Christmases

Congratulations Vince Vaughn. You went from Swingers and Wedding Crashers to becoming the next Tim fucking Allen. Not only was this a bad movie, it was an unforgettably bad movie. This movie was so bad, you actually had residual guilt from having watched it in the first place. Ho ho ho, Merry Fucking Christmas.

The "APPLAUSE" Sign Award for The Movie That Tried So Hard, Yet Failed So Miserably, To Be Funny Award
goes to...
The Love Guru

I was considering giving this award to Larry the Cable Guy's Witless Protection, but decided to hand it to Mike Meyer's wonderfully unfunny flick instead. I'm sure they probably have the same amount of poop and midget jokes, but at least with Witless protection, you knew you were going for the bottom of the barrel. The Love Guru tried to be funny. When it was released, they had the promo department on overdrive. And guess what? It sucked. Hard. It's easily the most unfunny and useless movie Mike Meyers has ever done. And That's saying something.

The Lipstick On A Pig Award for Most Pitiful Attempt to Replace A Good Movie With Celebrity Cameo
goes to...
Another Gay Sequel

Never heard of it? Good for you. That's probably because it went straight to DVD, and for good reason. If you were to compare Another Gay Sequel to other teen sex comedies, it probably wouldn't be any worse than most of its kind. That being said, that's not a good thing, since most teen sex comedies suck it big time. So how to remedy this? By marching out the celebrity cameos en masse. They snagged big name homo celebs like RuPaul (who I secretly adore. Tell no one), Michael Lucas (who I not so secretly adore), Lady Bunny, Brent Corrigan, Aden & Jordan Jaric, Coulton Ford, Amanda Lepore and (in breaking the patternof bringing on celebs people actually like) Perez Hilton. Unfortunately, they must have left the funny bits in the car or something. Who knows?

The "What A Twist!" Award for Most Fucking Ridonkulous Surprise Ending
goes too...
The Happening

Remember The Sixth Sense? Remember how it was actually pretty good and the ending made sense and was considered shocking? Well, that was almost a fucking decade ago, and looking at The Happening, it shows. The big surprise twist in this one was that plants were releasing weird shit into the air that made people kill themselves in the most inhumane way. And it ended with the ominous 50's B-movie style "It could happen anywhere. In our homes, across the sea, and even...IN OUR OWN CINEMA THEATRES!" God save us! Oh Zooey, I love you, but you really should pick your scripts better.

The Giant Douche And Turd Sandwich Award for Worst Performances, Male and Female
go to...
Paris Hilton for The Hottie and the Nottie

'Nuff Said.





and...

Martin Lawrence for College Road Trip and Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins

While Paris Hilton's "win" is pretty obvious for anyone half of a half of a brain, Martin Lawrence's movies both came out early enough in the year, to such a dreadful box office, that he flew under the radar. But sorry, both of your movies were fucking terrible. Enjoy Celebrity Rehab!

And Finally, The Award For Worst Picture of 2008
goes to...
Witless Protection

Kill yourself. You'll be happy you did.






To be fair, there were some good movies this year. So here's a couple awards for some actually good movies.

The Pierre Fitch Award for Movie You Totally Wanna Fuck
goes too...
Wanted
This movie was surprisingly not awful. And I may be the gayest gay in the U.S.Gay, but even I was a little turned on watching Angelina Jolie ride the hood of a speeding car, firing off hot lead like a vengeful Pez dispenser of bullets. And James McAvoy was suprisingly sexy. Who knew?

The "Don't Call It A Comeback" Award for a Comeback
goes too...
Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler

I have to admit a sick sort of attraction to Mickey Rourke. Sure, his face literally looks like it's melting off his face, but the man is so imperfect that he seems, in a strange sort of way, sexy. He uses this imperfection for all it's worth in The Wrestler, playing a deeply complex and broken man rising from the ashes to fight to the end.

The Fanboy Award for Best Comic Book Movie
goes to...
The Dark Knight

At the risk of inciting yet another Batman/Ironman flame war, I'm just gonna give this one to The Dark Knight, a remarkably poigniant and morose look at morality and society, with enough explosions to help the medecine go down.

The Sackboy Award for Most Adorable Animated Creature
goes to...
Wall-E

Sure, I can go on and on about the underlying message of overconsumption or the brillaint way they told a story in that first half hour without using dialogue, but let's face it most people went to see it because it featured the be-all-end-all cutest little guy ever willed into existence.

The "Suck it, Apatow" Award for Funniest Movie
goes to...
Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Easily the most balls out hysterically funny you will see this year. I honestly can't remember laughing this hard at any movie. Kevin Smith will fucking destroy your shit, he will melt your girlfriend's panties, and he will leave you wanting. 'Cause that's how he rolls. Bitch.

The Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding Award for Best Movie You Didn't See
goes to...
In Bruges

I was tempted to give this one to either Slumdog Millionaire or Happy-Go-Lucky, but I have a soft spot for In Bruges. It didn't recieve as much attention as the other two, but cold still hold it's own against them both. Plus, I'm just a big softy for Dark Comedies.

The "For Your Consideration" Award for Best Performances, Male and Female
go too...
Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married

For a flat out wonderful performance from an actresse who really isn't getting as much attention as she deserves.


and...
Robert Downey Jr. for Iron Man, Charlie Bartlett and Tropic Thunder

Another underrated actor who finally got the recognition he deserved, and who then turned in one of the greatest comedic performances you'll ever see.


The Golden Ashtray Award for Best Picture of 2008
goes to...
Milk

Considering how materiualistic and petty mainstream gay culture seems to have become (I'm looking at you, Christian Siriano), and seeing as how this is the year Prop 8 was passed, desrtoying countless marriages and turning an entire group of people into second class citizens, Milk came at the perfect time, to show us what we need to be and what need to do.

The Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius Award for Lifetime Achievement
goes to...
Heath Ledger.

Well, that's it for this year. Until the next. Cheers!

Wherein I'm Pretty Sure I Get Hit On Through Song

Alright, so a couple weeks ago, this singer/songwriter guy added me on facebook, and despite the fact that I totally have no idea who the eff he is (Add me! I need more fake virtual friends). Anyways, he added me because I (apparently) have good taste in music, and he was playing free concerts all over North America. Anyways, he invited me to a show he was doing at a Chapters five minutes from my house, so I figured what the fuck. Free music is free music after all.

Anyways, took my car over, fork over five bucks for coffee (Fuck me if I could figure out why) and buy a copy of Christopher Moore's Fluke, then sit down and wait as he sets up. He was pretty good over all. Mind you, he wasn't exactly travelling with roadies and a four piece band, so it was just him and a keyboard. I bought both his albums for $20, and he was very nice.

One of the things he told me when he invited me to the show was that he would do a Radiohead song since it was in the long list of music I listen to. So he did Creep, and I think he did a pretty good job. Although there was an awkward/flattering part where he took certain...liberties with the lyrics. There's a part in the song that goes:

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Which is all good, but then he added this:

...I want a perfect body like Jeremy...

It was at that point that I made a mental note to google the lyrics once I got home.

Now, not that I mind possibly being hit on through song. Believe me, a guy pulls out a guitar, plays a few riffs, and I'm suddenly naked in bed, sucking down a post-coital cigarette. But at the same time, we were kinda in the middle of a starbucks, surrounded by old people and prostitots sipping frappucinos. I'm just saying, there's probably a better time for that. Just, not in front of the elderly. That being said, call me!

Anyways, after that, I went to work, blah blah blah, came home, blah blah blah, and wallowed in the blah blah blahness that is my life. And then I played some Little Big Planet. This is, honest to Godtopus, one of the best games I've ever played. Seriously. It's an old-timey platformer, only you can make your own levels, and everything looks like it's been made by the world's smartest Arts & Crafts class. and did I mention that Sackboy, the little guy you play as is FUCKING ADORABLE?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! OHMYGODTOPUSSOCUTEWANNAMASHUPHISLILFACEANDCALLHIMMISTERCHIPS! Sorry, when I squee, all my words tend to come out together to form some sort of unholy clusterfuck abomination to the english language. Oh well.

Cheers!